Bri and the Creatine

By John Byers


On a Saturday morning hanging out at the gym Bri decided to go for a swim He jumped in the pool, swam a quick lap and just as he was about to turn back He looked to his left and not five feet away, was a tremendously gargantuan shovelnose ray

Bri couldn’t believe it, not here, not today The ray was too big, how much did it weigh? It could gulp a whole tray from a chinese buffet And was swimming next to his shovelnose fiance

How could this creature be so much bigger than Bri? It was driving him crazy, he had to know why Bri jumped out of the pool and started to dry

His brain worked so fast, he needed an idea Schemes oozed from his head in a brainstorming diarreaha He decided to drink rare creatine from North Korea

At first nothing happened, Bri grumbled and cursed The creatine was terrible, it tasted the worst. The disgusting liquid couldn’t quench any thirst But then his small muscles began to burst. He got bigger and bigger, his anger reversed He jumped back in the pool, diving headfirst The other swimmers, once submersed Were splashed out of the pool, scattered, dispersed

Bri was big, he was glad Like a gargantuan palace in Hyderabad Or the Motherland Calls in great Stalingrad He got out of the pool, put on his plaid Looked out the window, and was suddenly sad Standing outside with his cobra comrades Was a green anaconda, really big and bad

Bri was stunned by the size of this incredible snake Its length filled his eyes, they started to ache He looked around for supplies, he must find something to make Maybe a cake or a steak or a buttered pancake? But then he saw it, Blake’s official Creatine Milkshake

He drank the shake, it tasted disgusting But his muscles enjoyed it, they started adjusting To Bri’s new large size, his shirt started busting He ran over to the snakes, completely interrupting

The leader of the snakes was a big anaconda His cobra friends were Wanda and Ronda Wanda and Ronda hailed from Uganda When they saw Big Bri they all donned a Three-person raincoat they bought in Rwanda Bri scoffed, grabbed the snakes and threw them beyond the horizon somewhere way past sunny Tijuana

Bri was happy now that the creatine kicked in He was bigger than all of his far away kin Bigger even then when he’d been To far off europe, west Berlin, visiting his formerly identical twin Compared to Bri now, he looked super thin Bri was so happy, he thought with a grin Until he saw it in the distance, enormous Big Ben It was big, Bri realized, even bigger than him

How could this be, Big Ben was only a clock And yet this clock overshadowed the entire block Its shadow fully blocked miles of sidewalk Bri was tiny compared to this clock If anyone saw him he’d be the laughingstock Like Dewey Finnn and the school of rock Compared to the great Johann Sebastian Bach

Bri had to act now, this was it If he didn’t grow bigger he’d have a fit So he sat down and thought for a bit He couldn’t quit, he needed more And then he saw a creatine store He walked to the door, but couldn’t quite fit Bri’s muscles were too big for doors anymore But he couldn’t give up and couldn’t ignore The huge clock next door, not anymore He looked to the back of the creatine store And saw a drive through sized for dinosaurs Bri was currently the size of an icthyosaur So it was a perfect fit, Bri bought Creatine galore

Bri drank some more creatine, it was pretty rough The nastiest drink, he hated the stuff But his muscles did grow, he got even more buff But Bri kept on drinking, it was never enough He grew bigger and bigger until he was stuffed And then drank one more drop, he thought he was tough

But this turned out to be a poor decision Br ought to have had parental supervision When he downed all that creatine it began to blur his vision He drank too much, and never envisioned That this amount of creatine would cause an explosion

Bri exploded, like a balloon His mistake happened on the 3rd of June Like someone popped him with a rusty harpoon Bri whirled around like a windy monsoon Once big like the moon, now smaller than a quarter teaspoon.

Bri was not wise, he was too obsessed with his size. Sure the creatine brought him great highs, But also a horrible exploding surprise As Bri’s teaspoon size currently implies Maybe skip the creatine pies, and get bigger the right way, with good exercise