Utah's Horribly Named Sports Teams

November 13, 2019


Utah is home to the most poorly named sports teams in the world.

Utah Jazz

Originally they were the New Orleans Jazz. Ok, that makes sense. But then they moved to Utah, were Jazz and dancing are illegal. Why didn't they change the name to literally anything else?? I have never once heard Jazz in Utah, even at a Jazz game. It is ironic, because the other pro team in New Orleans, the Saints, would actually make sense if they moved to Utah. Oh well, even though the name doesn't make sense, I still love it. You NBA fans in Louisiana better get used to the Pelicans, because the Jazz is a Utah thing now.

Real Salt Lake

Real Salt Lake...thats like Real Madrid right? Maybe Real means soccer? No, it means "Royal". As in Kings and Queens. And Salt Lake doesn't have a King or Queen. Utah doesn't either. Utah happens to be a constitutional republic. So maybe Real Salt Lake should change their name to be Constitutional Salt Lake. That has a good ring to it. Nothing gets me in the mood for a soccer game like remembering our form of government! Or maybe it could be MLM Salt Lake (since Utah has so many MLMs). And instead of fireworks after each goal they could blast Essential Oils into the air.

Real Monarchs

Utah is doubling-down on the King and Queen theme! As if one royalty themed soccer team wasn't enough, now we have two. Maybe they mean monarch butterflies...nope, their logo is a lion wearing a crown.

Utah Royals

The womens soccer team is royalty themed too....I don't understand this theme at all. Let's change to another sport.

Utah Grizzlies

Utah's hockey team is the Grizzlies. That makes sense right? After all, Utah is in the rocky mountains where grizzly bears live. Nope, there are no grizzly bears in Utah. The closest place you'll find a Grizzly bear is a couple hundred miles north in Wyoming. That is just lazy, the guy who named the team really should have checked. There are black bears in Utah, maybe the Utah Grizzlies should change their name.

Brigham Young University Cougars

BYU Cougars makes no sense at all. Brigham Young, the man the school is named after had a huge beard. That is his defining feature. And get this: Beards aren't allowed at BYU. This is taken straight from the BYU honor code: Men are expected to be clean-shaven; beards are not acceptable. Brigham Young wouldn't even be allowed at his own school. But wait, you say, they are not the BYU "Brigham Youngs", they are the BYU "Cougars". Them and every elementary school in the United States. There are no Cougars either, all the ladies at BYU get married too fast for that.

Salt Lake Bees

The Salt Lake Bees baseball team sort of makes sense. Utah's old name in the 1800's was Deseret, which means honeybee. That is why Utah is the Beehive state. So Utah must have lots of honey bees then right? No, not really.