John Byers, March 9, 2018

I recently watched the Harry Potter movies on Blu-Ray. They were awesome, and I started thinking about Voldemort's Horcruxes. He made some odd choices for his I think. He chose:

Some of these were cool choices, and they were well hidden. Gringotts Bank, the Room of Requirement, and the sea-cave all seemed like great hiding spots. I don't know why he chose Nagini, his pet snake, to be a horcrux. It seems like choosing a living thing to be a horcrux is a bad idea, because if it dies, I imagine the horcrux is destroyed. It seems like way too much effort, and I'd be stressed out if my pet snake contained part of my soul. According to National Geographic, anacondas live about 10 years in the wild. I'm sure Nagini has some magic keeping him alive, but still, now Voldemort has to take care of this snake like his own life depends on it. Also, what is it about Nagini that Voldemort likes so much? He seems like a mean snake. You have to wonder what they talk about. Do they watch the movie Anaconda together? It just seems like a poor choice of horcrux.

I was trying to decide what my horcruxes would be if I had to make some. What objects would I choose? Definitely not any animals, that is just too much of a hassle. My first thought was my old mountain bike, I had so many great memories on it. But sadly, it was stolen last year. Plus, even if it wasn't stolen, it is a fairly fragile object, and a rough jump on a rocky trail could destroy it. Since people can steal stuff, it seems unwise to choose something valuable unless you also have a place to keep it safe.

Another thought I had was my cell phone, I keep that on me all the time. Except a few years ago, I set my old phone on top of my car shortly before driving on the interstate, that phone is now lost forever. Also, my phone drives me crazy, I am not fond of it, and they get replaced so often now, that phones are a poor choice of horcrux.

I am starting to realize a lot of thought went into Voldemort's choices. My first choice is going to be a painting at a museum. Paintings at fancy museums are valuable and well guarded, so that should be a safe bet. My choice is Nighthawks, at the Art Institute of Chicago. It is a cool painting, and I imagine they take good care of it. Plus, I've seen it in person, and I like the vibe the painting has. I wonder what the people at the counter are talking about. Is one of them a super hero?


My next choice will be something remote, and hard to access. I choose the light bulb of Gamov Lighthouse, the southernmost lighthouse in Russia. I got to visit Gamov Lighthouse on a trip to Russia a few years ago. (Our tour guides were from Explore Primorye and it was amazing and unforgettable.)This lighthouse is ultra high-security. First, it is in Russia, which is not easy to visit as an American. The process of getting a visa is over-complicated and expensive. Plus, this lighthouse is in far-eastern Russia, well over 5,000 miles from Moscow and St. Petersburg, where tourists would typically go. The closest city to Gamov is Vladivostok, and no flights go there from the United States. The next layer of protection is wildlife- Tigers and Leopards live around the lighthouse, so if Harry Potter and his friends go camping nearby, they might get eaten. Another scary creature guarding the lighthouse is the Tick. Ticks in Russia can carry tick-borne encephalitis, a scary disease that can kill humans. Conveniently enough for my horcrux, there is no vaccine available in the US.

Gamov Lighthouse
Standing in front of Gamov Lighthouse

When we went to visit Gamov Lighthouse, we had to ride up some of the sketchiest roads through the forest to a gate. While we waited at the gate, I attempted to sound out the Russian cyrillic. It turned out to say "Danger: Rottweilers". Sure enough, a man with a rottweiler greeted us. There were a number of people around the lighthouse with rottweilers. Our guide's friend dropped off his dog and gave us a tour of the lighthouse, he was very nice and informative. He was also huge, and carrying a large knife with him. I think between the tigers, leopards, ticks, dogs, and Russians, Gamov Lighthouse is a safe bet for a horcrux.

Danger Rottweilers
Danger: Rottweilers

My next choice is going to be something indestructable. You might think it will be a diamond, or some other precious metal. No, I choose a styrofoam McDonald's big breakfast container. The atoms in styrofoam are bonded together in such a way that prevents it from decaying like other materials. Supposedly styrofoam containers will last millions of years. A McDonald's big breakfast container has the added advantage in that people will think it is garbage, and that there is probably some sticky syrup on it (from the pancakes), so they won't ever want to touch it. Plus, the big breakfasts are great, so it would be a very memorable, special horcrux.

My next choice is a meaningful one, my first Nintendo Gameboy Color. Mine is the see-through purple kind, making it a beautiful choice of horcrux. Voldemort's choices clearly had some meaning to him, and the gameboy does to me too. The Gameboy was my first videogame "system", and I saved up to buy my first one with my own money in second grade. Super Mario Land 2 and Pokemon Blue were on the gameboy, so I have some great memories of the system. And although mine is the flashy see-through purple color, it is still pocket sized, and easily hidden-perfect for a horcrux.

Gameboy Color
Atomic Purple GameBoy Color

My final choice is a Paris Saint Germain soccer jersey. But not just any jersey. Their usual jersey is blue, and says "Fly Emirates" on the front, just like many other soccer teams in Europe. After the 2015 terrorist attacks in Paris, PSG wore a black jersey that said "Je Suis Paris" on the front instead, in tribute to the victims. These jerseys have never been officially sold, so getting one is extremely difficult. I got one off ebay, a David Luiz jersey. It is very comfortable, and if I was worried that a young group of wizards was hunting down horcruxes, I could wear it to keep it with me. Or I could hide it. It would be left alone, as people wouldn't recognize the special edition jersey, plus David Luiz has since been traded to Chelsea, so soccer fans would know it isn't even current. I saw one of the two games PSG wore this jersey with my family, and it was a great memory. The jersey would be my final horcrux.

Zlatan with a Je Suis Paris Jersey
Zlatan Ibrahimovich with a Je Suis Paris Jersey

To conclude, my list is:

Hermione Granger may be smart enough to figure it out, but I think I'd be safe from anyone else.